SEASONAL
NOTES
AND POEMS
*
MEANING OF
FAIRY TALES
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ALADDIN
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TENDER
RELATING
delving in a small circle
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MUTUALITY IS ROUND;Musings on Mutuality A Journey of the Heart Unfolding
Nanna Aida Svendsen
MUSING ON MUTUALITY
A Journey of the Heart Unfolding
contents
One: Explorers of Consciousness
Two: Relationships Changing
Three: Moments of Leadership
Four: When Yes and No Meet
Five: Tender Relating
Six: Regaining Soul
Seven: Safety is Needed
Eight: Healing the Heart
Nine: For Mutuality to Flower
Ten: An Inner Harmonic
Eleven: Circles of Mutuality
Twelve: A Real Adventure
One: Explorers of Consciousness
Explorers of consciousness may be what we are, often beavering quietly unfolding new forms, expressing new ways of creating connection without violation, finding new ways of relating with heart, and of inhabiting mutuality
I was musing with a friend
about the possibility
of moving from hierarchy,
a way of relating in which people
or elements are ranked,
towards mutuality,
a way of relating
that does not require
the dominion of one
over the other,
but rather invites us
to let ourselves
and each other be.
Invites us to make
emotional safety
for ourselves and each other,
that creativity, compassion and kindness
might flower, and wisdom unfurl
We found ourselves wondering
could this be a time
imbued with strands of possibility
for unfolding mutuality
Indeed we even wondered
if evolution might be trying
something here.
If it might be calling
for a possible move
from patriarchy to partnership?
Not that I know well
How to do this.
More that I am wanting
to feel into the terrain.
Oh! I am feeling a need
to endeavour to be clear
here. To begin exploring a territory
we might travel together,
if you want to come.
Could this be a time
of opening hearts?
Of inviting empathy for
ourselves and each other?
Of deepening awareness
of varying needs,
giving space for difference,
of finding ways of
agreeing peacefully
to disagree?
Or
of delving, alone or together,
to uncover deeper meaning,
and connect
with a sound place inside
ourselves and each other.
Could this be a time
of finding ways to
express
freedom and love,
cherish integrity
our own and each others?
A time of including our hearts
as well as our minds,
our bodies
as well as our souls
be more fully at home
and build intimacy
where intimacy
is desired?
It seems to me to take heart
as well as awareness
and plenty of compassion
to inhabit our lives.
To encounter the loneliness
and pain, that can come
in being genuine
and not shutting down,
to ourselves or each other.
Not shutting down to the joy
that can come
or the longing…
It seems to me to take heart,
mind, body and soul,
to dwell in relationship,
to unfold that mystery
that grief, that wonder,
that joy…
for the dance of mutuality
to flower…
Two: Relationships Changing
Every relationship, where the heart of one is considered worth more, than the
heart of another, seems to be changing.
It is becoming
harder and harder
for me to find joy,
intimacy or integrity
in relationships
where the function of one
is sovereignty over the other,
even subtly.
Where the role of one
is subjugation,
even subtly.
Where someone is abused:
being used
against their deeper selves
to serve the needs of another,
even subtly.
Though hierarchy at times
has its uses, and one
with more life experience
may have wisdom to share,
if the needs of one
are met
through abusing the other
it diminishes us.
It costs all in the hierarchy
emotional safety, and
tears us from the presence
of heart, wisdom and soul.
A sadness or a grief,
a kind of isolation
a numbness or depression or rage,
can arise
when the deeper part of us
feels excluded,
cannot share, connect or be present,
because it just isn't safe.
And hierarchy,
often exclusive,
tends to require
the giving up
of one will to another,
even if for a seeming common cause.
Mutuality,
often inclusive,
tends to meet needs
by a dovetailing of
natural expressions
of who we are.
The process
founded in a reciprocal interest
in creating safety
to find and express
deep inner wisdom
tends to encourage
emotional well being,
a sense of intimacy
or trust with ourselves ,
and with others who care
to join in the practice.
It may, I have found,
often evoke
a sensitive awareness,
a reflective intelligence,
interested in understanding
oneself and others,
in finding and honouring
the heart of the matter
Unlike the pyramid of hierarchy,
mutuality is round.
Three: Moments of Leadership
Any deep conversation about mutuality will likely call forth
questions of leadership. What kind of leadership&emdash;if any&emdash;is
relevant in a non-hierarchical process?
Historically, leadership tended to imply
reliance on an external authority.
In mutual relationships,
I have noticed,
each person has an opportunity
of recognizing the authority within
and from this place
choosing at times to support
and be supported by
the leadership and skill of another.
Sometimes I want this.
To be held in the embrace
of someone more competent
than me.
Sometimes when it feels right
I need to trust
the skill of another.
And sometimes when it feels right
I wish to share my skills.
What is important
in terms of mutuality is
the freedom to choose
and not be considered worthless
or worth more as a being
for the choosing.
With a mutual agreement
to this kind of leadership
no one is being abused.
With a common interest
in building trust,
a willingness to listen
to oneself and the other,
with a surrendering to the process,
and a going with the flow,
moments of leadership may shift
from one to the other
in a kind of dance.
When two, or more, choose
to commune like this
co-creation unfolds.
How then do I write this
without becoming a leader of
the old school, who would immediately assume
I am worth more, or know more,
in a leadership moment
than you?
How do I write this as a sharing,
as an invitation to explore
an evolving experience,
rather than as an opinion
with which to debate, convince,
or seek to win?
How do I commune,
inhabit the present with you?
Become round and express
the mutual in me?
Four: When Yes and No Meet
In mutuality there is an agreement no one interest is considered
more important than another. Mutuality is easy when people agree, but when
one says Yes and another says No the process may need to soften or deepen -
become round.
How many times have I surrendered
my No to the Yes of another
and ended up feeling,
I have gone against myself?
How many times have I surrendered
my Yes. My deeper sense of rightness for me
or expected another surrender their's?
How often has the word No held no meaning?
How often has a Yes to the hearts longing
been denied?
There is a simple suggestion
for when Yes and No meet
between two people
or inside oneself.
There is a simple suggestion
for becoming round
rather than pointed.
If both people say Yes
It is a Yes.
If both say No.
It is a no.
If Yes and No come together
It is a No.
Sometimes an issue may go no further.
The No may have come from the core,
been heartfelt and whole,
not up for negotiation or grabs.
And sometimes No meeting Yes
is a signal for a pause,
an invitation for awareness
to deepen, positions
to soften.
Sometimes a Yes and No meeting
may be but a sign.
Something needs sorting.
Differences may need
to be noticed and held.
Or
a deal may need to be made.
I'll do this now. If you do that later.
Or
a further speaking and listening
into feeling and thinking may be invited.
A further delving and sharing of issues
till a place of mutual understanding
may be revealed.
Or
more information may
need to be garnered.
Time to go slowly,
linger longer with possible Maybes,
wait for wisdom to arise.
Might the Yes, No or Maybe
need to evolve,
or might they stay the same,
but with more awareness?
And what kind of Yes No or Maybe
are they anyway?
A voice of the mind?
Or a sound from the soul?
Sometimes a sturdy No
to a mind that is ranting
can be a beautiful thing!
as can a heartfelt Yes
to a cry from the soul.
What is important is the freedom
to say Yes, No or Maybe,
and have them be heard.
Oh, working with Yes, No and Maybe
is a process! A willingness to delve
for deeper awareness.
Simple in essence yet
when taken as an invitation
to travel the inner as well as the outer
able to plumb the deep.
Wonderful to do
when it is safe
to share the process.
When there is mutual
interest in this.
A mutual trust and knowing that
if we keep uncovering feelings
simply sharing experience,
relating tenderly
without attack or abuse,
with a willingness to be honest
with ourselves, and accept
differing needs,
we will come to a place of
understanding.
Oh I understand
If someone feels to shy away
for the process requires
a mutual interest
in creating safety and trust.
Work, yes, it is at times.
Work I am able to do by myself if
the other does not wish to join in.
And yet there can be
a sadness to this
some richness lost
when for one reason
or another
there is no welcome,
it just is not safe,
to enter a journey
of mutual respect
where, when desired,
one can share, listen and delve,
honor and unfold
Yes and No and Maybe together.
Five: Tender Relating
And oh, how my heart sings, when I am able to practice Tender Relating. When
I am able to share, delve and listen in a mutual environment. When I am
able to feel safe to be undefended and real with myself and another.
Tender Relating - real sharing,
delving and listening -
is not I have found
always an easy matter
Sharing - describing thought, feeling and experience -
with out shaming, or eliciting defenses,
by attacking or demanding
judging or debating
criticizing or diagnosing,
is hard. So much communication
seems to hone these things.
Yet when the heart feels shamed,
or that it must defend,
as it automatically will
when exposed to attacks,
demands, criticisms, or diagnoses,
wisdom may be lost,
along with any real chance
for deep understanding or connection.
I know to my grief
how easy it can be
to hurt and be hurt
in my heart place,
making relating unsafe.
How easy it can be,
to speak from the mind
without empathy or feeling
or from an emotional wound
without awareness or compassion,
rather than from a place of insight,
experience, connection,
question, or wisdom.
How necessary then
the fine art of delving.
Of speaking of, or listening for,
clues to the heart's experience.
Of inviting deeper truth,
exploring inner realms.
In the act of sharing,
when there is safety,
I can hear my own voice
stating things previously unknown.
Sometimes all that is needed
for inner worlds to shift
is to have someone really listen
And yet the art of listening
has usually not been considered
a popular skill.
It seems to me we are often,
supposed to project,
prove that we are someone,
that we, or our opinions,
are worth more than other's.
Those gifted in the art
of listening, receiving and reflecting,
connecting awareness and feeling
have often been considered
worth less. And so listening
for soul, for deeper
feeling and knowing
in ourselves and each other
may not be a thing
generally done.
It may not be a thing
generally recognized
or treasured,
yet, listening out
for the heart and soul of the matter
is, as far as I can tell, part and parcel
of mutuality as is the willingness,
to be real.
To share, delve, listen,
and choose silence,
from a genuine place.
Six: Regaining Soul
Such a ravage, such a grief, when we no longer know,
what we really feel, when there is no safety to be real.
And the rules and the norms
of the hierarchies
are deeply engrained.
They appear in many relationships:
between husbands and wives
grown ups and kids
relatives and friends
and of course at work.
Someone considered worth more
and someone considered worth less.
They even occur inside ourselves
In that critical inner voice that likes to shame
keep us in our place, when we try to find
and follow what we love.
One of the hierarchies most powerful tools,
to manipulate and maintain the ranks &endash;
to shut, when desired,
an open and trusting heart down -
may be the ability to project a rule or idea
onto ourselves or each other
about how we should feel.
Then it becomes easy
for deeper knowing
to be lost, and for sharing,
delving and listening
dissuaded, to become all but impossible.
The deal often seems to be
"You be obedient
and I will keep you safe."
That the safety on offer
may not be real
is rarely mentioned
and few really speak
of the possible cost to the soul
when hierarchy comes in a way
that violates the heart
and deeper trust
in ourselves and each other.
Another tool of a hierarchy can be
the ability to threat, manipulate,
intimidate or shame.
To make ourselves or others wrong,
for endeavouring to find and follow
the way of the heart.
Oh, how hard it is to come forward
with this without doing or becoming
any of the above!
The very last thing
I would wish to do is
to present mutuality as
a new rule with which to shame.
Present a new way to hurt the heart.
Shaming behaviours show up
in subtle ways.
They show up in
small cutting looks,
sharp pointed words,
grim glassy silences,
that enter the heart
like poisoned shards
making it feel
it must defend
usually by becoming
angry aggressive or numb
unless we are able - and quite a feat this-
to respond with compassion for ourselves and each other.
Shaming behaviours show up as a coldness
that freezes the soul.
Those small shaming ways
designed to curtail the spirit
and offend the heart
can work so well
soul creeps away
hiding its face
its gifts lost.
And oh the subtle agony in this.
How my heart wants to weep.
How easy it is to create separation
from my soul place inside,
from the soul place in others.
How easy then to loose connection
to inner wisdom and knowing
and slip into those
old familiar forms
where I can either attack ,
demand or become defended.
Sometimes without even noticing!
So moving to mutuality
is no easy thing.
It seems to request
a regaining of soul.
And the regaining of soul
seems to support
a movement towards mutuality.
Seven: Safety is Needed
Is this then the real invitation - that we might become mutual safe-keepers
of soul?
And emotional safety - or the desire to create it-
I have found often seems to be needed
for soul to be willing to show its true face.
Love and compassion, connection or kindness
are often wanted to let down the guard,
that would oh so readily
keep us away from ourselves and each other,
and even from what we really love.
It often seems to take
a real invitation
a true intention
to surrender that old shaming voice
that would happily call me to shun the heart
and devastate perhaps both you and me.
I know to my grief
how readily that voice
handed down generations
can think itself king.
How readily it can assume control
and render me emotionally unsafe.
Sometimes even without my knowing.
I know in my self how hard
it can be to find and express
the essential in me
that I might embody more
than I've done before.
And sometimes it takes
the heart to be broken,
defenses to shatter
for love to shine through.
Sometimes I have found
a tragedy to create communion
invite hearts to open
and unusual connections
to flow between people.
Similar sometimes when I have been ill
hovering on the edge of recovery
or am feeling soft
an opening happens.
Simple pleasures turn into treasures
and life seems simply so precious.
When I am able to commune
with the smallest thing
a bird in a tree,
a dog asleep in the sun,
a friend for a moment on the phone,
and feel myself one.
Is this then the grace
in becoming tender, permeable to life,
that moments of soul come shining through.
That hearts safely connect?
Eight: Healing the Heart
I want to understand how I yet again have been taken
away from myself, and from what I love, making the way I relate sometimes
unsound.
The process of opening the heart
of becoming tender,
empathetic, permeable to life,
may often call forth
an old emotional wound.
Though painful at times
this can be a chance
to bring to awareness
a way we once were hurt.
A way we once decided
to shut the heart down.
It can be a chance
to hold ourselves
and each other with compassion
remember and release perhaps the pain
of rhe old wound rather than
just acting it out yet again
This is not always easy to do!
Sometimes when I am upset
I run round for days
lost to myself
in the throes of some feeling
till enough awareness and love
have tempered my process,
recognized and melted my wound,
or some of it anyway
bringing me home to myself, again.
It seems to take
An ongoing willingness
To look into life's mysteries
and mirrors.
To see and discover
what may be reflected
what may be revealed.
Is the way I am annoyed
with another really a way
I am annoyed with myself?
Is the way I feel hurt by another
a way I am hurting inside myself?
Or the other way round?
Am I hurting someone
because of my own pain?
Is the beauty I see in someone else
really also a beauty in me?
Is the sense of love, of safety of trust?
It seems to take
an ongoing willingness
to heal the heart
for empathy to flower
and make me a safe enough home
for my own soul.
To make us safe enough homes
for mutual belonging like this
Nine: For Mutuality to Flower
For mutuality to blossom it needs a kind intent.
A willingness to open. To observe ones own defenses.
To be respectful of oneself and not harmful to the other.
The degree of mutuality
that may be expressed
will likely vary with
every relationship.
Sometimes it's graceful
And the feeling is grand.
Sometimes it is a mix.
There are issues to be resolved
awarenesses to be gleaned.
Sometimes mutuality
is only held
in the heart of one.
And sometimes a relationship
just isn't ready
for mutuality to flow.
For mutuality to flower with another
it seems both people need to be willing
to do the work
of staying with the process
both inner and outer
sharing what feels right
'till an issue feels complete.
Ten: An Inner Harmonic
Mutuality seems to require a mutually supportive relationship
not only with others but also within ourselves.
This moving to mutuality sure isn't easy!
I have found it to require,
a friendly dependable relationship
not only on the outer
but on the inner as well.
A kind of concord,
between feeling and thinking,
intuiting and acting,
receiving and expressing.
An inner harmonic between
male and female energies within
to come to a place
of their living happily inside
like those princes and princesses
at the end of those fairy tales
of old.
And for Prince and Princess to wed
they need not only to find one another,
and quite a quest this, to find the right mate,
but also to do the work of becoming sound,
The inner princess needs to be healthy,
her emotional and intuitive systems trustworthy
And the inner prince needs to act competently and well
on her behalf, expressing her insights and keeping her safe
There is a grief to this a journey
those old stories foretold.
In being and becoming
married inside.
It's just part of the process,
of bringing to awareness
our dancing inner essences
that they might unfold.
Eleven: Circles of Mutuality
People are gathering spontaneously, I've heard, in pairs and in circles to
find mutuality, give space for diversity, discover deeper unity.
Yes, something seems to be moving
not just on the inner but on the outer as well.
In schools, and corporations
in communities and homes
people are gathering to speak and be heard,
to listen and unfold deeper meaning
inhabit mutuality
sometimes spontaneously and
sometimes with intention.
I heard a story once
of a man and some boys,
sufferers of substance abuse,
together in a circle.
September 11,
the week before,
and the boys all upset
except for two
who were rejoicing.
The group now disjoined
two celebrating
and the others, appalled,
in uproar.
The man asked the many
not to attack the two boys
but rather to listen
to what they had to say.
Their fathers had been killed
by an American bomb
in the mid east.
When these words were heard
all the boys wept.
There was not one among them
who still had a dad.
United in grief
and understanding
the boys were
once again
one.
Twelve: A Real Adventure
Coming to mutuality is, I have found, a rigourous path, a real adventure, an
evolving epic of an unfolding journey of heart.
Explorers of consciousness
may be what we are,
often beavering quietly
unfolding new forms,
expressing new ways
of creating connection
without violation,
finding new ways
of relating with heart.
Are these strands of possibility
for tender relating
for expressing mutuality
happening now
because we are becoming
more conscious?
Because we are touching
a new threshold?
Are these strands happening now
out of an exigency
to discover ways of being
that nourish
encourage deeper wisdom
to flow,
and help bring us peace?
Are they happening now
out of a conscious intention
no longer to violate?
To find pleasure
in being more deeply
connected?
A direction so far
seems to be to greet the heart
in ourselves and each other
with a fierce and tender awareness,
a generous compassion,
that chooses understanding whenever it can.
A guide line so far
as we take these first steps
surely is love?
And an abiding trust
in the essential
unfolding integrity,
of you and me.
©Nanna Aida Svendsen
Special thanks to Punit Krejsgaard, Carl Lindstrom, Christine Lutha, and Gary
Whited for the grace of their ongoing editorial comments and feedback.
Without your mutuality, patience, wisdom, insight and love this work would
not have been the same and I am deeply grateful…Thanks too to Greta Bro and
Agneta Falk for their encouragementI wish to thank Dr Christiane Northrup for her words about moving from
Patriarchy to Partnership. They inspired me to seek to describe aspects of
the journeyThis is a work in progress ever evolving and deepening and experience and insight unfold...
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